It's been a difficult last several months. I've made some goals and lost some friends and seen things about myself that I don't care very much for. I'm trying to change my life, and not just my shape. It's hard to try and see yourself as others see you and its even harder to try not to imagine what a person's motivating factors are for things that they do. The clarity with which I envision another's driven purpose is incredible, especially given the shroud of obscurity I find blanketing my own. So I try and get past all that... it doesn't matter why. I can't change anyone but me and I can't let another's perceived shortcomings become the catalyst for change, else I'd be pulled in so many different directions, I'd never get anywhere. So head down, plow through and make it work.
I pray a lot for wisdom... mostly because I don't feel very wise these days. I don't think age makes you smarter, I think it makes you more aware of how much you ended up not knowing. I find I'm more patient but also more cynical. And even though I find I can be more empathetic, I am more inclined to want to expose the elephant in the room that everyone is dancing around, so we can just get past it.
But another thing I'm learning, or trying to, is that yanking off a mask is a lot like stripping a scab off a wound. You make them bleed; you make them really angry; they grow a new scab to continue to protect the wound and they avoid ever coming into contact with you again. I'm learning to dance with elephants.
So, regarding the goals I actually have accomplished, I have lost 100 lbs so far. Here is me at the beginning of the diet, and me at the end of my last round.
I actually have spent a lot of time this week getting all my jumbo size clothes packed up and found someone who agreed to distribute them to some of her relatives for me. I remember when someone had lost some weight and gave me her coat. Aside from the fact that it was a little small, it just screamed FATSO at me from the closet every time I opened the door and I finally got rid of the wretched thing... so I didn't want to do that to anyone. This will be better. They don't know me, I don't know them and they'll just be getting some free clothes.
Actually I'm a little surprised at how hard it is to let go of some of my clothes. I can't wear them. They drape on me like a tent... and yet, I had some things I really liked. I actually considered just keeping them and then wondered what I was thinking? So I've tried to be brutal, just keeping the things that still look acceptable, for now, and putting the rest in the give away boxes. So far, I've got 3 and will have to run out to Target and buy at least one more to finish it all up.
I finally started walking this week. I started at a mile and found it easy, except for my feet are a little sore by the end of it, so I talked it over with Steve and we decided that it might be better to hang at a mile for a while, until everything adjusts to me actually using these muscles that God gave me for more than just a filler between my bones and skin.
Well, it's a busy day today. I promised to bring some cookies for the bake sale for United Way and I have to get some stuff done toward cleaning for Passover and I want to finish getting those clothes together for Ruby. I work from 2-11 pm tonight. Another one of the changes in my life that came just when I thought I was getting everything together. God is static and does not change... I would like to be that way too. Unlike God, there is very little about me that doesn't need changing.
And also, unlike God, the unfortunate thing I finally noticed about the Solitaire game is that as soon as you think you've got it all put together just right, everything falls apart at the bottom of the screen.