Starting HCG again...

Yeah it's me.  I started my diet again.  You can probably tell by my picture that if I lost a little more weight, it wouldn't hurt anything.  I made myself some chicken soup with chicken broth, cabbage, sliced raw celery and some asparagus.  I'm not supposed to mix my veggies but that's my big confession.  I gave up the bread sticks for a little bit of celery in my soup.

I was most impressed.  My daughter and her four darling babies, came for a visit.  Her husband let her stay for about 5 weeks this time.  The time flew by.  We ate pizza and went for ice cream and we made chili and desserts.  I never gained back any of the weight I lost.  So here we go again.  I'm less than a week into it and I've lost 10 lbs already.

I made 2 dressings today.  I'm going to post the recipe here for future reference as I really like it and want to remember how to make it.

Tomato Vinaigrette

1 Can Diced Tomatoes, drained
1/4 C Lemon Juice
1/4 /C Vinegar
1 1/2 Teaspoons Salt
1/2 Teaspoon Pepper
1 Teaspoon Fresh Garlic
2 Tablespoons Chopped Onion
1 Tablespoon Mustard
1/2 Teaspoon Seasoned Salt
Fresh Basil (can sub dried basil)
Parsley

Blend in Blender until liquefied.  Makes about 16 fl oz.

1

An outing with mom…

My mom is an extraordinary person.  She is 85 years old and very much an Auntie Mame.  In all areas, she’s bigger than life and more energy than anyone can take for extended periods of time.  She’s extravagant, big-hearted, volatile, commanding, unpredictable, colorful, and makes Don Quixote look like a pragmatist.  But she is my mom and I can’t help but love her to pieces. 

Recently she had surgery and was sent to a nursing home temporarily for recovery and rehab.  While there she developed a bad infection and sudden fever and pneumonia and allegedly had a seizure somewhere, the hospital says it was at the Nursing Home and the Nursing Home says it was at the hospital.  No one seems to have actually witnessed it but despite that, they managed to put her on an anti-seizure drug, with side affects that are a bit alarming. 

Having spoken with the Nursing Home, trying to get her off of them, they referred me to the Neurologist and assured me that the elderly are never removed from it once it has been issued.  I encouraged them to make an appointment at their earliest convenience. 

So mom was released from the Nursing Home this past weekend and her appointment was on the Monday afterward.  I had to request off work to take her.  Our company has an unusual method for taking off.  Sick days must be prescheduled and they must be within the guidelines of conforming to observe the various blocked days we cannot take off.  Taking my mother to the Neurologist was not an acceptable excuse to override the blocked off first Monday of the new quarter for California and so I had to seek special permission.  I was told, finally, I could take off if I had to but it would count against me as an unauthorized absence occurrence.  My young supervisor smiled so sweetly at me as she warned me, I was inclined to thank her for her thoughtfulness.  “Nevertheless,” I said, “I still feel this is important enough to risk it.”

So Monday comes and I’m off at 11:30.  The appointment isn’t until 2:00 and I told mom 12:00 because so often I get a last minute call as I’m clocking off and it can be as long as another half-an-hour.  So bases covered, I’m ready on time and I make a quick stop by the house to drop off my stuff and get the special paper bags my mom wants put on her seat.  Faith, my granddaughter is at the easel perfecting a piece of art she has created and I hear a combination of a movie for the rest of the grandkids and heavy breathing from a workout tape my daughter and my son’s wife are doing from a DVD.  I kiss the top of Faith’s head and take off for my mom’s house.  Mom wants to go to the toy store to buy the kids some presents when we’re done at the doctor’s office.  So it will be a long day.

I get to my mom’s house, pull in her drive way and she comes to the door and instructs me to back in.  So I get back into my car, and turn it around, praying I won’t take out part of her garage as I’m not exactly skillful with the whole process of reverse.  I manage to get the car in but I’m so close to the door, I have to literally squeeze myself out of the car.  I come around to help her get out of her electric chair into the front seat of the car.  She narrows her eyes.  “Did you get the paper bags?”

“All taken care of, Mom.” 

“Can you put my purse in the back seat?”

“Sure” I put her purse into the seat behind her and I help her get her seat belt back on, squeeze back through the door, get my seatbelt on and start the car. 

“Oh, I need that notebook in the back seat.”

“No problem, Mom.”  I shut off the car and open the door and compress my shape through the pinched opening, go around and get the notebook and hand it to her.  Is this what you need?”

“Oh yes, Thank you.”

“Okay, then we’re off.”  I come around the car, force my girth back through the narrow opening, put my seatbelt on and…

“Oh Judy, I need the garage door opener.  Oh you’re going to have to get out of the car again.”

Trying my best not to sound irritated, “No problem, Mom,” I said, perhaps with a little too much of a cheery Disney lilt. I once again pour through the narrow strait and reach into the backseat to retrieve her purse and hand it up to her.

“Oh Judi, you can put this in the back again.”

“That’s okay, Mom.  I think we’ll just leave it up here for now.”

So off we go.  I reach for my directions out of my purse but I can’t find them at all and realize that I had left them at home.  No matter.  I have them pretty clear in my head.  It is a simple trip just down the road from where she lives. 

“Do you know where we are going?” she asks in her most inquisitional motherly tone.

“Yes, I looked it up last night”  I say with the utmost confidence.

But I can’t find I find the exact building near the hospital and finally drive to a building to the left of the hospital and once in front, I call the Drs. Office.  “I think that maybe this is it but I’ll just check with them first.”

“Thank you for calling Dr. Kader’s office.”

“Hi.  My Name is Judy Fuller and my mom has an appointment there in about an hour.  I am at the Hospital.  Can you tell me where you are located?”

“456 N New Ballas Rd Suite 299”

“Isn’t that in Creve Coeur?  I understood you are in Lake St. Louis.”

“Where are you?”

“Well, as I said, I am at the hospital, in Lake St. Louis.  I’m at a private medical office to the left of the hospital but I can’t locate your building. ”

Murmurs, “Which one of these is our address?”  says to me, “Yes, so many people have trouble finding us.”

“Uhhh… okay, right, so where are you?”

“You’re so close.”

“Are you at this building?”

“Hmmm.” He murmurs, “Are we at this building?” He says to me, “A little further down.”

“Are you in the hospital?”

“A little further down.  You’re very close. Okay?”

“Uhh… Okay, um…”  I hear the phone click.

I drive down the road a bit and turn into every place I find that resembles an office building for about a half an hour.  But I’m unable to locate Medical Plaza Dr.  So I pull into a driveway for storage units.  I don’t tell mom but my notoriety for not charging my phone is housed in infamy.  I pull it out, turn it on and see I’m down to about 3 bars.  “I’ll just look up the address here online, and locate the address, #200 Medical Plaza Suites.  “Mom, isn’t it great to have this kind of technology on a phone?”

She rolls her eyes.  “I think you needed to go a little further down.”

“Mom, I saw the map.  It’s not this far down.  I’ve gone too far already.”

“There’s something just over that hill.”

“Yes, Mom, I know there is, but not the Drs. Office...”

I drive back toward the hospital and finally locate this tiny little sign that whispers “Medical Plaza Dr.”  I turn down the road and there is a sign that tells me where everything is.  “Perfect,” I think.  Medical building #1, go left, Medical building #2 go straight, but nothing actually says, #200 Medical Plaza Suites.  So I decide to call again.

“Thank you for calling Dr. Kader’s office.”

“Hi, this is Judy, I called before.  I have been driving around here for a half an hour and I can’t locate your building.”

“Yes, so many people have trouble finding us.”

“Well, I’m going to miss our appointment.  Can you direct me to your building?”

“Where are you?”

“I’m right at the entrance to Medical Plaza Dr.”

“Where is that?”

“At the hospital.”

“The hospital is a very large place.”

“Yes, aren’t you located on that street?” 

“I don’t know.  I don’t know how to tell you how to get here.”

“Are you at the Drs. Office?” 

“Yes.”

“Oh c’mon.  Are you telling me you don’t know how you got there today?”  (“Mom,” I whisper, “I think I’m talking to one of the patients”). 

Heavy sigh.  “Just turn on Medical Plaza Dr.” 

“Okay.”  (Mom says, “What, I didn’t hear you.”)

“Go to the sign.”

“I’m there.”  (“Mom, I think I’m talking to one of the patients”). 

“Go to the medical building.”

“1 or 2?”

“Just follow the road.” 

“Medical building 1 or 2? The road splits”  (mom says, “What did you say?”)

“I don’t know, just follow the road” 

“There is a lot of construction here.”

“You weren’t supposed to go that way.” 

“Okay.”  (I reply, “Mom, I think I’m talking to one of the patients”). “Hello, hello?  I think he hung up.”

“I can’t hear what you’re saying, Judi.”

Upon finally arriving we get the wheel chair out, I go park the car and we go in.  I fill out all the appropriate forms but get several disapproving glances as I have to ask when Mom’s birthday is and when Dad’s birthday is.  After an eternity in the waiting room, the Doctor, calls us in. 

“Vell, Missus Hudson, Vhy did choo come to see me?”

“I don’t know.  It’s YOUR appointment.”

I say, “Dr. Kader, I made the appointment.  I’m a little concerned about the”

Her hand comes up.  “I am not askink choo.”

“Do choo know cher name?”

“YES!”

“Do choo know the date?  Zee name of zee president?  Did choo see any news today?  Vat vas it about?  Vat is similar between a wall and a door?  A house and a cave?  A cat and a dog?  A horse and a flower?”

A HORSE AND A FLOWER?

“Jes, a horse and a flower?”

“Well I can’t think of anything alike in a horse and a flower.”  Mom looks at me for help.  The hand flys up again.   “I am not askink choo.  Zhere are similarities.”

“Well, I’d like to know what they are!”

“Choo vill haf to figure zat out for churself.  Zhere are similarities.”

Eventually the mental exercises cease and the good Doctor tells us she’s going to take mom off the anti-seizure drug.

“Wonderful,” Mom says.  “Lets go to the toy store and if I still feel like it, I want the kids to meet us for dinner.”

I go get the car and we head off to Toys R Us.

“Do you know where you’re going this time?”

“Yes, Mom.  I’ve been THERE before.”

“Well, I hope it doesn’t take as long to get there as it did to the Drs. Office.  You said you knew how to get there too. 

“Well, I did, but they sort of hid the building from us.”

“I wish I knew the similarities between a horse and a flower.”

“They are both organic, both living?  God made both of them?”

“No, that's not it.  Oh, I know, they both are found in a field.  I’m going to write her and tell her that.”

We pull up at the toy store and I put mom in the wheel chair, roll her in and go and park the car.  When I get inside, she wants a cart.  “How are we going to do that, Mom?”

“Judi, I’ll push the cart, you push me.”

So we look at everything.  Eventually one cart isn’t enough… and I get a second one to pull behind me.  After crawling on the floor to get the one in the back, straining on my toes to get the one on top, picking up, putting back, losing the list once and having to retrace my steps to find it, and pulling around 2 cartloads of toys for over 2 and a half hours, we finally make it up to the register.  There must have been $500 in toys in the 2 carts.

“On the Legos, how do you do the buy one get one half price?”

“These Legos are not half price.”

“What do you mean, they are not half price?  You have signs everywhere saying they are half price.”

“Well, it’s only certain Legos.  These you have do not qualify.” 

“I bet I’ve got over $500 in toys here.”

She shrugs and begins ringing up the items. 

“Well I’m of a mind to just let them all put that away and walk out of here.  What do you think, Judi.”

I look at the two carts full of toys, and contemplate the hours spent digging out just the perfect one for each one of the 6 great-grandchildren and try not to sigh.  “You know, It’s just up to you mom.”

“Well then, let’s just go.”

“Excuse me Ma’am.  Umm, my mom has decided she doesn’t want any of this.  Thank you.”

On the way home, we stop at a fast food place and pick up some dinner and mom fills up my gas tank before I take her home.

“You know, mom, I was just thinking, that maybe since Jenny has so much she has to get into that van of hers already, maybe it would be better to just buy her a gift certificate at Toys R Us and let her just buy the toys when she gets them home.”

“What do you mean?” she says with narrowed eyes.

“Well, I was just thinking that maybe it would be a little easier that way.”

“You mean just give her the money and let HER go shopping?” she says incredulously.

“Well yeah,  I  mean, she knows what they’ll want and all.”

“Well, that’s no fun for me, is it?”

“Uh, no… no I guess not.”

“If she doesn’t have room in the van, then I’ll just have it mailed to her.”

“Sure, that’s a great ideal.”

“So we’ll just plan another trip another day.”

“I can’t wait.”

Maintaining the fat...

Okay, this is me now.  I'm officially off the diet... I've skated through the maintenance.  I mean, after living on 2 really tiny meals a day, of a very limited selection of foods, the maintenance felt like cheating.  I lost somewhere in the realm of 35 lbs.  Not bad.

Really, it hasn't been too bad.  I mean, I don't know if Steve would agree.  He told me I needed to collar that dog a few times... and let me tell you, I was ready to unleash it upon hearing that.  But since I've been OFF the diet and ON the maintenance, he keeps "encouraging me" to get some exercise.  I  mean, I just lost 35 lbs!

I did win the biggest loser contest.  I can't really say it's anything I'm particularly proud of, however, I did get a day off pass out of it... or at least I'm supposed to.  Oddly enough, they haven't given  me that yet.  I lost 11% of my body weight.  My boss lost over 9%.  When a person beats out their boss in a contest, do they ever really win?

Okay so I'm still a little chubby.
 I know what you were thinking ...

The hard part now is trying to figure out what I can eat without gaining it all back before the next session.  I weight myself every day.  Stare at the scale in hopes of good news.  So far, I've only had one setback which I took care of in one day but now I'm sort of afraid to eat.  Today I get on the scale and I've lost 7 pounds since Thursday.

???

I know in the world of "and the bad news is?" that's hardly anything to cry about but I'm supposed to be adhering to a portly state of stability for a few weeks.  And so I keep thinking, "I know I've done it tonight."  I'm going to get on that scale in the morning and it's going to scream at me, "Get off me, you ponderous porcine putz."  And it's going to really hurt my feelings.  But instead, I've lost weight.

Now gaining weight isn't exactly hard for me, however, I'm still not inclined to go pig out at White Castle just yet.  I know I'll figure it out.  I just never quite envisioned weight LOSS as being the bigger problem in my maintenance phase.

Well, next week the out of town grand kids are coming into town.  Maybe I'll just hold off and see what happens to me then.

The Tinkerbell Effect

Her voice was so low that at first he could not make out what she said. Then he made it out. She was saying that she thought she could get well again if children believed in fairies.

Peter flung out his arms. There were no children there, and it was night time; but he addressed all who might be dreaming of the Neverland, and who were therefore nearer to him than you think: boys and girls in their nighties, and naked papooses in their baskets hung from trees.

"Do you believe?" he cried.

Tink sat up in bed almost briskly to listen to her fate.

She fancied she heard answers in the affirmative, and then again she wasn't sure.

"What do you think?" she asked Peter.

"If you believe," he shouted to them, "clap your hands; don't let Tink die."

Many clapped.

Some didn't.

A few beasts hissed.

The clapping stopped suddenly; as if countless mothers had rushed to their nurseries to see what on earth was happening; but already Tink was saved. First her voice grew strong, then she popped out of bed, then she was flashing through the room more merry and impudent than ever. She never thought of thanking those who believed, but she would have like to get at the ones who had hissed.

The word, "believe," conjures a similar scenario of thought in a fairly large part of the human race, such as the one above; penned by Mr. Barrie over a hundred years ago... if only you'd just "believe" as though believing made it so.  As though believing were merely a matter of engaging the power of positive thinking... the idea that by wishing hard enough, one can change a hope into truth.  It infers that if you can just abrogate all doubt, subdue faithless foreboding, then your good feelings can bring about almost anything... perhaps even force the hand of God to do your bidding.

But that isn't how God portrays faith.  Faith comes by hearing and hearing comes by the word of God.  We hear God's word; we listen to it; we drink it in.  And we hear and we apply that word to our lives and by the application of that word to our lives, living that way of life as we are instructed to live, to hear by obedience to that word, we gain a different vantage point to see our lives in the context of eternity, where God lives, instead of from the finite framework of our human sense.  We begin to contemplate everything in the realm of godly vision that stretches beyond the boundaries of time and space and it gives us courage and hope and stamina to pursue whatever path is set before us, knowing that no matter what we see, that God holds reality in the palm of his hand.

Then from that point, we seek out to align ourselves with the will of God, that reaches beyond the realms and boundaries of carnality and we are delivered from that bondage that confined us through the natural fear of death that weighs us down for all our life.

It's only in a child's fairy story, where one might imagine he could conjure up the good will and pleasant thoughts to overcome deadly obstacles.  In real life, belief entails the understanding exhibited by Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego when they were brought before King Nebuchadnezzar when they faced being thrown into a fiery furnace for their conviction of belief.  And they stated to the King at the probable cost of their lives, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If your intent is that we be cast immediately into the midst of a burning fiery furnace, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up."  It was not the wish of a child in the hope of happy thoughts that saved these men from certain death... they believed and saw beyond this life, to a country whose builder and maker is God.  

So here’s the thing… We have plenty of leftover chocolates but we keep getting sick when we eat them so it’s probably not a good idea to keep them but how can anyone throw chocolates away?

I do try and share the precious delicacies when I have enough of them available but there are many times when there just isn’t enough for everyone so I save them for another time. 

I suppose its not wise to continue buying those rich russet candies but when I see a particularly lovely confection filled with some delectable creamy fondant or nougat or brimming with a gooey caramel center or a crunchy toffee or buttery nut encased in velvety rich chocolate, I’m gripped by an insatiable desire to procure the luxuriant sweet-treat and bring it back to my house.

As I carry  in the bags of groceries, my husband arrives to help me unload the trunk.  Once the bags are lined up on the counter, he remains nearby to inspect the delicacies that might await his gastronomical pleasure as I dissimulate their contents into their proper storage locations.  Upon seeing the box of sugar-laden, chemical ridden, calorie burdened blobs of fat, my husband’s eyes narrow.  “Why would you buy that stuff to bring  home here?  You know that’s not healthy.  You shouldn’t eat that junk!”

Without comment, I open the package where lies those delectable pieces of paradise and the scent wafts from the opened container and perfumes the air with the seductive aroma of cocoa and vanilla and sugar and the sweet fragrance even draws the attention of my husband who stands up to peer into the box.  “What’s that one right there?” he says as he nudges it with the tip of his finger.

“It’s a Pecan Caramel Cluster.”

“What’s that one?” again nudging it with his finger tip.

“That’s a milk chocolate toffee crunch.”

Our eyes meet as he carefully lifts the delightful treat from its corrugated cup and pops it in his mouth in one large bite.  I smile.  He tries to return a scowl but the flavor washes over his palate and his eyes close as his senses experience the sensation.  No exchange takes place.

I breathe in the mouthwatering warm aroma of the various chocolates.  Just the scent is almost enough to satisfy me and as I come back to consciousness, I catch my husband pop a chocolate covered macadamia in his mouth.  Eventually he swallows and casts a judgmental eye towards me eat as I savor a dark chocolate caramel truffle.  I smile stickily as I cover the box for a future indulgence. 

I already feel a tickle at the back of my throat… 

But life without chocolates? 

I don’t even see that as a possibility.

What a surprise

So I'm continuing to lose weight... And I figured out that I was getting so hungry because I wasn't holding the drops under my tongue long enough and that I wasn't always waiting that 15 minutes before eating when I took them.  So since I've corrected that faux pas  I'm doing much better.  
I didn't feel like I looked any different but I discovered last night that I've changed more than I thought.  My clothes were fitting different but I saw no difference in my personal appearance... but I knew going in that I wouldn't see a lot at first.  I was expecting that.  But comparing the picture I took last night with the one I had taken 3 1/2 weeks ago, I  

was pretty surprised at the difference in just such a short period of time.  Well... I'm still fat but at least it's going in a better direction.  
I did my first screw up today.  I measured my meat at 3.5 oz but it was cooked meat, not raw.  I felt so stuffed.  Then I realized what I had done.  
I'll try and see if I can make it up with dinner as I can't afford to not be losing.  They are having a biggest loser contest at work right now  and right after they announced at work that that they were upping the stakes for the biggest loser contest, I eat an extra ounce of meat.  They are finally going to start giving away prizes like time off work... I wasn't particularly interested in any of their prizes before that.  
I have won the weekly contest twice so far and would rather have gotten the T-shirt that says, "I won the biggest loser contest at work this week and all I got was this stupid T-shirt."  At least that would be funny.  But instead I got 15 minutes off the phone with my boss taking my calls, sitting at my desk, snooping through my stuff while I stand out in the hallway with nothing to do but wonder what she's getting into and waiting for my time to be up so I can go back.  I had tried to plan it for later in the day so I could have a "hall pass" in case I needed an extra potty break but she came over about 15 minutes after break saying she had a meeting and had to do it then, right then, so I couldn't even get rid of the free cell game I had just opened up.  
So for 15 minutes, I stand in the hallway with nothing to do.  It was reminiscent of one of the stupid games we played in grade school where you stood outside the class room while they all hid the item or planned the questions they were going to ask you in front of the whole class and you were wishing it wasn't your turn because you just knew it was going to go badly.  Who knows what she saw or found while she sat there with no phone calls and nothing to do but rummage through my stuff at my desk, and on my computer-- coming over unannounced to reward me for all my efforts of losing the most weight. What kind of idiot wants to win a prize like that?  I guess it was better than the free at your desk ingrown toenail removal.  I was really glad I didn't win that week.

2 Weeks & 18 lbs later

So.  It's been a while since I've been  back at my diary.  Up until today, I would have said I was doing fairly well. 
Okay well there was the one indecent with Charter over my week long lack of internet where I told the customer service rep that I didn't want to speak to her any longer and to get me someone else on the line... and then I told the supervisor when he asked if he could help me any further, that he hadn't helped me yet and hung up the phone, came upstairs and threw such a fit the dog wouldn't come near me for 2 days.  I've got to hand it to those folks at Charter, if I would have been them, dealing with me, I would have looked for a way to make my whole account disappear.  
My defense is low blood sugar... because its an excellent excuse that can be used over and over.  Although, today, I'm starting to lean toward possible menopause.
But since then, I've had it all under control.  I didn't really get to do anything much for Mother's day.  My sister and I had gone in on a Kindle to surprise my mom, who is presently re-cooping from surgery in an assisted living home.  So I thought it would be great because the type size goes up to about 3/4 of an inch.  I spent all Saturday Night & Sunday morning getting it ready for her, added on a couple of games, 3 novels.  I thought she'd really love it.  
The family all went on a Mother's Day Picnic at the Winery but I declined to attend.  my excuse was that my mom is in a nursing home and I wanted to spend the day with her.  Steve told everyone it was because I was dieting.  
Bless his heart.
So I got the Kindle all wrapped up and headed off to visit the Grandmother..  
She took one look at it, made a face.  Turned her head sideways like she was doing her level best to see it and handed it back to me.  
"Can you get your money back?"
"Don't you like it?"
"No, not really."
"Look, mom, I can make the print larger.  See?"
"Now Dammit Judi, I told you, I thought I made it abundantly clear, I don't want anymore of those damn electronic gadgets.  I can't see those tiny little buttons.  Can you get your money back or not?"
"Well, I guess.  I'll probably just keep it, then.  I wanted one anyway."  
"Oh my ---, how much was it?"
"MOM!!"
"Now don't you start that stuff with me.  How much was it Dammit!"
So today, I get a check in the mail from her paying me for the Kindle.  My Mother's day present from her to me.  
She really liked the package of safety pins my sister sent from her dogs.  
My dog didn't get her anything.  
My oldest son took his wife and their two kids over to visit her later that evening when they all returned from their day of engorging, imbibing and jocularity  They stopped and got her some lovely red roses and a nice card.  They walked into her room and she took one look at them, "Now, dammit, it was really nice of you kids to come by here and visit me but this is no place for children and you need to take those kids and get them out of here and no, don't set those flowers down there, they'll get knocked over.  Take those over to  your mother and okay, yes thanks for coming, goodbye."
Is it any wonder I have issues?  
In her defense, she is worried one of the babies will catch SARS or whatever else might be floating around there but, as long as they'd already come in... I'm glad my daughter in law is as sweet and nonchalant as she is.
So I've been plugging along on the diet and doing pretty well.  I have been losing pretty steady... but when I got home today from work I had this overwhelming desire to cheat.  So I went up to my room --as far from the food as I could get.  Of course when Steve got home, he reminded me it was time for his dinner.  So I went down to make something to eat and he's just chatting away and this violent urge comes back.  I'm trying to just put the dishes away and I can't hardly bear to hear him talking.  
Finally I turn around, and tell him, I can't do this.  
He looks surprised?  Can't do what?  
I can't do this diet anymore and I can't make your dinner.  
He let all of 5 minutes pass before he comes up and says,  just come down and make us something.
Well then, if its that easy, you do it. 
You're being ridiculous. It's easy enough, half the food is already made.
Yes, I know that but I can't seem to get it together... and I'm not coming back down until I can.  
Finally, about 9:00, the panic passes and I came down and made the salad dressing I was trying to make when I fled upstairs, and fixed my meager meal.  
I'm all better now.  
4 more weeks.  
I hope there's no bloodshed.

Day Number Five... long time from supper to lunch.

Well, I'm actually on my third day of the "weight loss cure protocol"and I've already lost 5 lbs.  It isn't hard at night after dinner.  I sort of save my second piece of fruit up for a little while and eat it as a dessert.  Last night I had a tiny piece of Tenderloin... Yummo and asparagus...mmmmmmmmmm.  Later I had partially frozen strawberries with a couple of drops of orange stevia on them and that was outstanding.  Lunch was my usual salad with chicken, which I like with that tomato-y salad dressing but today I changed it up a bit and made an orange vinegarette with mustard, dried onion, some onion powder and vinegar, lemon juice, orange Valencia stevia, garlic and lemon and pepper seasoning.  Then I cut up my orange in with my lettuce and chicken and let me say, it's pretty good.  I ordered a recipe book to come with HCG recipes in it but I'm thinking I didn't really need it.  I'm doing fine on my own.  I still haven't gotten my bread sticks but I haven't really missed them yet.


One of the things I like about the diet is all the energy it gives you... I was dragging all this weight around with me and feeling pretty lousy all the time.  I'm still not exact really mobile as my feet hurt under the stress of my weight and won't really support a lot of exercise yet but I noticed yesterday as I ran from one place to another, the only thing that held me back at all was my feet.  I'm pretty excited about that.


But on the downside, my husband says I'm a mean dieter.  I'm a little cranky.  Last night I went psycho over him opening a bottle of wine.  I said its because I don't want anything tempting me  but the reality is far baser.  I realized I'm irate because I can't have any.  I finally got myself under control and apologized but before he went to bed, I did it again over nothing, didn't really even hear what he had to say and then told him that I didn't agree.  He was a little stunned and got up and went to bed... again, with the apologies.  Then this morning as he was eating his breakfast, another waive of "you're breathing my air" attack hit and I grabbed my computer and fled the room before I bit his head off for no other reason than sitting there happily eating his breakfast as I sat there trying to enjoy my coffee with NO CREAM.


I hope that doesn't last too long because given the present mood swings, I'll be needing someone to move in to help pay the rent.  He was gone by the time I came back down... wonder if he's looking for something to muzzle me with?

THE MIRROR

     From his earliest recollection, the mirror had hung on the wall in the family room.  
     Originally, his father had noticed it sitting on a curb, adorned by a torn and curled nine by fourteen  inch sign carelessly ripped from a yellow legal pad and on it, printed in a hasty scribble, "FREE, TAKE ME."  His father had beamed with delight as he picked it up from the trash heap and laid it gingerly in the trunk of the car.  
     On that very evening, so he had been told, it took its place on the family room wall.  
     It was a large mirror with a highly polished wooden frame. Its gilded vines draped from intricately sculpted lotus blossoms in full bloom, twirling entanglements  from corner to corner and delicately weaving an alluring arrangement.    And despite its obvious age, the rich deep luster of the wood endured and the finish remained curiously unmarred.
      It was, by far, the most elegant object in the entire house, yet, he always felt it collided against the surrounding décor rather than complimenting it.  And despite the aesthetic adornment to an otherwise drab room, he abhorred it.  
     For from his earliest memories the mirror, which had always graced their wall, held an unusual but distinctive element that forbade a casual regard--a disquieting reflection it cast back at any who stood before it. 
     From across the room, the satiny wooden frame emitted a soft glow in the warm evening light. The gentle rise and fall of the sculpted encasement cast interesting shadows. The gilded Fleur-de-lis' clasping each crook and the golden piping encircling the silvered glass caught the eye of any within its line of vision and summoned a narcissistic desire to gaze upon their own reflection girdled in such an handsome frame.  But to those standing opposite the mirror, the reflector cast back a chilling distortion of the anticipated image.
      The image reflected was one of the gazer's bearing rather than their visage, and while the likeness was not always unpleasant or dark, it left one feeling naked, self-conscious and violated. It forced an unsolicited introspection at, what was often, a most inopportune moment and briefly stripped an otherwise secure individual of their dignity as it exposed any deceit or ill will and accentuated it in their reflected features.
      He had long since abandoned trying to ascertain a rational explanation for the mirror's peculiarity, which forced upon him, on more than one occasion, an utter abandonment of the romantic facade he would have rather retained of his own self-image; and as childhood stretched into manhood, he grew to detest the odious object and eschewed even the room upon whose wall it was perched.
      Its fascinating frame seemed to mock him as he passed by the room and beckon his attendance; it haunted his thoughts when he was away and manifested itself into his dreams, portraying secreted inclinations and unearthing buried aspects of his subliminal nature concealed even from his own subconscious. He loathed even the mention of the cursed reflector.
      Contrarily, his father appreciated the extraordinary looking glass. He examined his reflection regularly staring intently into its hazy faded depths with a discerning eye. He appeared desirous to glimpse its analytical reflection, and eagerly sought its critique yea, even beckoned its appraisal and pursued a path to realign his very nature so as to receive a better image and upon failing to receive one, he carefully assayed his motivation toward achieving the desired alteration of character.   
     So often he recalled the pained look of disappointment that passed over his father's face as he gazed intently into the metallic depths which spurred such perseverance  toward obtaining a better image reflected back to him.  His father never tired of the game, and from his earliest memory until the day his father died, he strove to perfect the image cast back at him.  
      He couldn't comprehend the incentive.

      He didn't hate the mirror in his earliest memories. As a small child he was entertained by the altered likeness he would sometimes see and spent countless hours grimacing and smiling in an attempt to change the appearance of the reflection he faced, not understanding the cause for the countenance reflected back at him.
       He recalled the exact moment he realized the image was not merely distorted. He had lied to his mother while standing in front of it and the mirror reflected the change in his face immediately. In horror he explained to his mother through choked sobs that he had lied to her and as is common with mothers, she held him close and told him it was okay, comforting him within his view of the mirror. He saw after confessing the truth in a desire to never to disappoint his mother again, his image had softened considerably.
      And despite the realization that the mirror had invaded his secret sentiments, it still held a certain fascination for him. And as his father, he would strive to toward trying to obtain a softer representation of himself. But frequently he found that acts of kindness did not always result in an improved image and on occasion, it even fell to a further distortion of the reflection that stared back at him. The realization was disconcerting and he began to avoid glimpsing at it as he passed through its reflective sphere and eventually, he avoided the entire room in which it hung.
      On this day, as he faced the mirror for the first time in several years, the anguish of losing his father showed through the disdain and anger he felt as he faced the image opposite him. He lifted up a piece of yellow paper with jagged edges, carelessly torn  from a dog-eared legal pad and smoothed the taped corners on the glass over the face of his reflected image.  The paper , printed in a hasty scribble, read "Free, take me."
      Forcefully he wrenched it from its catches anchored securely into the wall for several decades and carried it all the way through the front door, all the way through to the end of the lawn, to the curbside. He dropped it incautiously on the grass, propping it against the mail box next to a bag of refuse.    
     It would exit his life exactly as it had entered into his life from before his earliest memory. The yellow paper rustled against the glass in the afternoon breeze. He never looked back as got into his car and drove away, and later that day, when he returned to his father's house, the mirror was forever removed from his life.

They said I wouldn't be hungry with HCG!

So on Day 2, I continued to eat like fat girl as per the diet. We went to a little hamburger place called Christies where they serve these half pound burgers with this spreadable cheese on them called Pub Cheese. Wow. But that was then, as my stomach growls.

Today I had some vanilla cream sweet leaf stevia in my black coffee instead of whip cream. I think I can get used to that. I had looked online for a salad dressing I could have but most of them were basically straight vinegar... ((shiver)) vinegar with lemon juice and varied spices... but c'mon. Okay so it says I can have limited amounts of picante sauce, salsa as long as there wasn't any sugar. So I got my processor out, the giant enormous one my kids bought me for mother's day last year, and put in about a half of a cup of that, a tablespoon of lemon juice 2 tablespoons of red wine vinegar, a couple of tablespoons of mustard, some McCormicks Grill Mates Garlic and Onion seasoning and processed until smooth. It was a delicious fat free legal dressing that actually tasted pretty good on my 2 cups of shredded Romaine and my 3 oz of grilled chicken breast.

I was starving by lunch time and yet when I started eating, it was almost like after a few bites, I had to make myself eat the rest of it. I've had a mild headache all day but that might be from a lack of sleep. I haven't been doing much of that lately.

Anyway, for dinner, I made some flounder over fresh spinach...with a little bit of my "salad dressing" totally winging it here but it looks pretty good. I thought it was delicious. My husband said it wasn't his favorite. At which point I told him he should consider making his own food. I guess I'm a little touchy.

Day Number One

So, I started the HCG diet today. I took my drops. Today is one of my gorging days.... I had pasta from home for lunch, and an apple and an orange. Steve and I went out for chicken wings, pizza and beer. It was sort of hard eating everything I was supposed to eat today as those drops already started taking away my appetite and every bite I put in my mouth seemed like the last few bites of a 2nd Thanksgiving meal. One more day between me and starvation... I'm pretty pummped...in a nervous sort of way.

It Came Today

Okay, home from church and there on my front porch is my bottle of vitamins and the 2 bottles of HCG. Looks like I'm starting this in the morning. Presently, aside from a little bit of apprehension, I'm pretty excited about it. I feel like lead moving around and it will be nice to be a little lighter on my feet. I hope it works like they say. I'm making out a list of the things I'll need. I've already made my chicken up and need to acquire some of the vegetables needed. So I guess I'll use up the last my coffee cream over the next 2 days. For 2 days I'm supposed to eat whatever I want and take the drops and then by Thursday, I have to be ready to go. No hunger... that's the ticket... fast track to losing weight and a resetting of the metabolism. I'm hoping that it works. I got these vitamins but they have carbs and they're 64 calories. But maybe if I just take half, it will be okay. They advertised them on the website I bought the drops from... and I made the assumption that one was taken with the other... well, that might have been a bad assumption and they were not cheap.

Also, I went to Wal-Mart on Sunday (Ishtaar Sunday) to buy a scale so I could weigh my meat and they had this really nice one that was $19.99. But at the register, the cashier asked me for $60. I asked her, how much was the pancake turner... yeah it was just a buck but she says the scale was $35. So why hassle her and everyone in the line behind me... so I go over to customer service and they come back with a manager who said it was the scale next to it... yeah... I didn't see no other digital scale there. Well, my husband had already started up the gril so I just kept the thing and left but wowzers... $35. Okay so I'm about $150 into this diet. It better work!!!

Making some changes...

So, when I was a kid, I was normal sized... as an adult, I put on a couple of pounds and decided to do the liquid protein diet... and lost the weight really fast. Well, then I put it back on plus what I had lost became doubled in added pounds. So I started working out but then I got pregnant and had to quit... the club closed and there wasn't any money for a new one so I did weight watchers for a while.. lost some of the weight but then put it right back on plus new poundage... did the Atkins diet, worked like a charm... then I stopped and it came back with a vengeance. So now I'm a fat girl... okay so I started walking... got up to 5 miles a day and that worked really well... but then I got a new job and it was full time so no time to walk anymore... and the weight started piling back on.... at that point, desperation set in and I just about quit eating and when I did eat, I started purging... talk about disgusting. So that lasted about a year and my family freaked out and my teenage kids were screaming... so that had to stop. Well, now suffer from morbid obesity and my little grand daughter says, Yaya, your booty is so big but we're not supposed to say that are we? And it is hard getting around and it's embarrassing being this big and buying size 3X clothes... so now I'm going to do the HCG diet when my drops come in. They are supposed to arrive tomorrow and I'm going to start the diet this week. So this is me now...

and hopefully that will change. The diet is supposed to reset your metabolism, which is the biggest thing with me... and I'm hoping that if I drop enough weight, I can start walking again... so we'll see. I'll keep you posted.

What is Faith?

The Bible clearly defines faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, it is the under girding of your hope, the structure under it, like the structure that holds a bridge in place and establishes the hope that it is safe to cross. It is the evidence of that which is not seen. We have several evidences of that which we do not see. Gravity and air are not ethereal. We have evidence of air or gravity. Prior to the establishment of proof, we still knew they existed. We had the evidence of their existence by the proofs of their existence.

Faith is not ethereal. It is not a wishing on a star and believing that positive thoughts overriding negative feelings will make wishes come true. It is a belief based on the reliability of past experiences.

When you sit in a chair, you believe, based on past experience that the chair will support your weight. You accept, on faith, without getting down on your hands and knees to verify, that it is safe to sit in the chair. You have, at some point in your life, seen a chair not hold a person sitting in it, but based on probabilities of the dependability of the chairs in your life, your faith in that chair is confident. The under girding of that belief is based on the fact that you sit in chairs all the time and rarely, or perhaps never, are you tossed out on your backside. The evidence not seen is that despite the fact that you have not examined the chairs reliability, you feel there is enough evidence by chairs of the past to verify it will hold you provided you observe the laws that will prevent you from being tossed out.  You have FAITH in that chair. You're not sitting in thin air, hoping that a chair materializes; you're sitting on a chair that you believe will support your weight.

Now, put that established chair on a place where falling out of it will result in certain death, and the level of faith is probably going to be drastically reduced. Whereas you would have sat down on the chair without a second thought on your kitchen floor, if that chair is balanced on 2 beams stretched out over the Grand Canyon, your faith in it will waiver or perhaps break down, entirely. Over a course of time, given the opportunity to establish that the beams are secure and that the chair will not act any differently on the beams than on your kitchen floor, you may build the faith to be able to sit in that chair.

That's what Faith is. It is a belief contingent on past performance creating a hope of future conduct. It is established in the testing and trying of the reality of God's word. If a person is not willing to test God's word, by putting himself under the authority of His Law, and abide under the conditions of God's Word, then one may not establish a claim that there is no proof of the reality of God's word, anymore than one can say a chair is not reliable to sit in based on the fact that they are not willing to sit in it or that they fell out of it, trying to stand on their head.

Many professed Christians give irrational explanations of what faith is because they are unwilling to put themselves under the authority of God's word or law or risk relying on what they, quite frankly, do not know. One establishes that faith by incorporating the word of God into their lives according to the way established by God. In other words, you begin to obey it. You begin keeping the laws of God, to try to follow His words as He has laid them out, even in the face of adversity and you then begin to see that God is taking care of you. Things begin to work out so that you can obey. The further you test it, the more it establishes your faith' because you run into impossible situations that work out in the most incredible ways. And so you start to incorporate more of God's word into your life.

You establish the reliability of the Word of the God of the Bible exactly the same way you establish that a chair is safe to sit in'perhaps even to the point of being comfortable even if the chair is perched on a precipice. Even though you see others around you fall out of other chairs (like drunks or babies who cannot sit up or like children using the chair incorrectly) or you've seen it collapse (under too much weight or abuse or neglect), you learn the rules, or follow the Word and you see that the chair is reliable, if the sitter is faithful to the conditions of the chair.

One learns the reliability of the Bible through use, making clear that there is a difference in "the way that seems right to a man,' over they way that is righteous according to God. You learn to walk by faith in the way that God has established over the way of sight because you come to realize that it is God that establishes reality and what you see with your eyes is not as reliable as the way God has established, because reality is established by God.

And to the degree you have confidence in that way, it defines the level of your faith. Do you have faith in a chair on a solid floor? You have a little faith. Do you have faith in a chair positioned on a sheer drop? You either have great faith or you lack faith. It is confidence in previously established behaviors and assurances over time that build your little faith into great faith.

Abraham had great faith because God gave him a child when his wife was too old to have one and promised him that child would grow into a great nation. He had the child, every day of his life, right there in front of him, as the under girding of his faith-for the very existence of the child was an impossibility. He had a further promise from God that in Isaac, He would establish the seed of Abraham, and the faith of the past of Isaac's impossible birth, gave way to the establishment that God would not allow his word to "come back to him void' giving Abraham the confidence to believe.

This is how faith grows: the past experience, the establishment that God's word is wholly reliable, leads you to be able to go forward in the face of uncertainty or even in the face of certain ruin, knowing God holds reality in the palm of his hand.

Simply put, faith is trusting God with what is in front of you because of what He has done behind you.

Sunday afternoon, day 3 of a three day weekend... children are sick but improving, adults are getting sicker but surviving. Grandma doesn't feel like doing much of anything and mom's about to blow a gasket. Snow's falling. Wind's blowing. Too cold to go out and play. Dark and cloudy. To dangerous to drive anywhere. Grandpa went up to take a nap but the grandkids are not going to be quiet. It sounds like the vacuum might be broken and mom wants to know why? Dad says it's been acting funny for a while now. Perfect storm brewing.

A new vacumn, a plan to fix the old one, one of the children take a nap and lunch and everythings calms down again.

Kids are watching a movie... mom's having a beer... dog barks to come in out of the snow, unless someone wants to go out there with her.

Its the stuff daily life is made of... the days of our life... the moments that add together to build into a lifetime of memories.  We struggle, we strive, we try to survive, we plod along to the end of the day and pile into bed to do it again.  It can seem monotonous if you start to view it that way but the days go by faster than a weaver's shuttle and then you're left to redefine your existence without all the hoopla and you miss it desperately.

Family is trying... and the days can be long and tiresome and the routine can become tedious but it is the most precious time, to have them there, cluttering up your life.

I miss them being here.  I valued it beyond measure.  They live so far away.